It was to be named Zendez. It would become the number 1 online destination for wellness retreats: a weekend at Esalen in Big Sur or a month long meditation retreat in rural India, you would find a range of experiences at your fingertips. I spent a year, talking about my tech wellness “start-up” during the day and going home at night procrastinating on Facebook and boyfriend drama.

Speaking of boyfriend, we were together for three years. I spent the last year, promising myself and my close friends that I was going to have that difficult conversation. It was not working and I knew that it was time for me to learn to be alone and focus on my personal growth.

I managed for a full year to find excuses to avoid breaking up until one morning, my now ex-boyfriend and I realized there was nothing left but the coffee we had bought on our way to our hike. We never went on that hike; he did not drink his coffee. I crawled back into my undone bed, feeling empty, picking up what was left: a tech company that never was, a year of pretense and a frightened little girl. I discovered a part of myself that day.

Photo Credit: Celeste Noche Photography

Photo Credit: Celeste Noche Photography

Her name is Jessica. She was crying, cold and lonely.

Beneath the every day excuses, there is a young Jessica who is scared of getting hurt, rejected, punished for failing, being alone and most importantly afraid of what the future has to hold.

She desperately needed a hug. And I gave her that hug. I asked what she was afraid of with no judgment.

The truth is I had ignored how I was feeling all this time and instead I had become a professional liar.

I lied when someone asked me why I did not launch the website. I lied when my friend asked me why have I not said yes when my boyfriend threatened to leave. Most importantly I lied to myself. 

And only when I started giving the little Jessica that hug every day that I started doing what my heart truly desires. And only when I stopped running away from my fears, that life began to happen.

Underneath all of our fears I discovered, lies the fear of uncertainty. For we assume that uncertainty equals upcoming suffering, and then we freeze and get "stuck." When we don't take action, we forget that we are also missing out on the high probability that uncertainty can hold the life we have been yearning for. 

So we lie. We lie because we are afraid. We lie when we don’t want to go there and deal with the fear.

We have the potential to spend all of our lives lying, not actually living because we don’t want to face the unknown.

The difference is simple: the ones who do, know their fear best. The ones who don’t, run away from fear.

It is only when we become intimate with ourselves and get to know our fears that we can start doing. 

What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.
— Krishnamurti
Photo Credit: Celeste Noche Photography

Photo Credit: Celeste Noche Photography